Stability

Oh, where do I begin? The retreat was so wonderful! We started off as strangers and left as good friends – full of laughter, love and joy. One of my new friends is a documentary director who has won an Emmy! You can read about her here.

Here are some key takeaways:
Grief is love that has nowhere to go. I really resonated with this. Most of our grief is love. Love for a person we have lost. Love for ourselves. It can all pile up in our bodies, feel heavy or tight. It can manifest as illness – digestive issues, anxiety, depression or other in my case. It can feel like an invisible backpack that we carry around.

I gently worked with all of the losses I have faced for the past 20 years. Trying to transform them from fear, bitterness, shame, and grief – to love. The idea is to try to break up the heavy grief into smaller pieces. To try to let some light in and soften it.

Grieving is an essential life skill that we’ve never been taught.
So true!! Most of us are taught to “be tough,” “don’t cry,” “they are in a better place,” “everything happens for a reason,” “God never gives us more than we can handle,” “just be positive,” “at least ________,” if you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.” We are taught to push grief down, to hide it, to just move on. Most of us apologize for crying or for getting messy. I know I do. It’s also normal to pretend or perform. I definitely use humor to cover up the pain. To make my grief more palatable for family and friends.

Permission, Pause and Patience
Most of us grew up in a culture that was about pushing and productivity. We don’t give ourselves permission to rest, sleep, to be honest, to feel. It’s so important to create boundaries, to say no, to just “be.” I feel this deeply. In my recovery from surgery, I kept feeling guilty about not getting back out there, for not seeing people, for not getting back to work sooner, for not being productive. I always want things to move quicker. I want my face to heal faster, for my smile to return, for Ella’s treatment to be done. Patience. Release the hustle, drive and ambition – especially around grief and healing.

It’s about creating an intentional pause in life that honors and recognizes the impact of grief on you – because no matter how busy you are – grief is always right there.

Living the Unscripted Life
What do you do when your track diverts from the “normal” track of life? I have struggled with this for years. The “what my life should look like” vs. what my life actually is. His advice is to lean into it. To embrace it. Embrace the shit show. Flush out shame with self love. Maybe something amazing can come out of all this.
I am deserving of …
I am worthy of …
I am open to receive …
I allow myself …

One last quote!

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross